Attraction, Rejection and Uncertainty

Life is complicated.

Love even more so.

But it's very easy to overlook how complicated it really is through the magic of hand-wavy generalisations. For the first part of this post I'm focusing solely on pairs of people and their interest (or lack thereof) in each other. At the end I'll spend a few paragraphs on extrapolating to situations where more than two people are involved.

At the most fundamental level it would seem there are just two possible outcomes; you like each other and you form a couple, or you don't and therefore you don't.

To anyone who's ever been rejected it should be immediately obvious why this is an over-simplification.

There are two more possibilities to consider:

Interested?	Yes	No
Yes	Yay! A couple!	???
No	???	*shrug* Nothing happens

Rejection lies in the corners. But it's not the only thing lurking in the corners. It's where douches and assholes and various other undesirables live as well. I'll summarise the latter as "Assault" and "Douchery" to cover everything from persistent pestering and unwanted attention to anything that involves forcefully overriding a "No".

This post isn't interested in the "Assault" or "Douchery" itself (both of which are unequivocally deplorable!), but rather in the effect their existence has on those that'd never do anything falling under these labels.

Interested?	Yes	No
Yes	Yay! A couple!	Rejection, Assault, Douchery
No	Rejection, Assault, Douchery	*shrug* Nothing happens

Why is any of this interesting?

Glad you asked; I think the above grid is still too simplistic. It doesn't allow for any uncertainty in either member of the pair.

Follow me into the world we all live in every day.

Interested?	Yes	Unsure	No
Yes	Couple	???	Rejection, Assault, Douchery
Unsure	???	???	???
No	Rejection, Assault, Douchery	???	Nothing happens

First of all, this extra row and column does actually matter a lot.

Almost everybody has some level of fear of rejection, and as a result almost everybody starts off acting as if they are "Unsure" even when they are a solid "Yes". Also, fear of coming off as a douche may sway people into acting "Unsure" when in reality the object of their desire just needs more convincing.

On the other hand it's not uncommon for someone being faced with an unwanted "Yes" coming their way, to revise their "No" down to "Unsure" so as to not hurt any feelings. It's so much easier to say "I'd love to, but... I already have a partner/I'm not ready for a relationship right now" than to say "Sorry, but it's just not going to happen".

Which results in lot of pairings finding themselves in the trap at the middle of this grid rather than in the decisive corners.

Interested?	Yes	Unsure	No
Yes	Couple	Convince me!	Rejection, Assault, Douchery
Unsure	Convince me!	Trapped!	Nothing happens
No	Rejection, Assault, Douchery	Nothing happens	Nothing happens

Escaping the Trap

First of all, it's important to note that there is nothing wrong with genuinely being "Unsure". Sometimes it takes a while to warm to a person, and sometimes it takes a while to learn to loathe them. But once you're certain either way, you should at least admit it to yourself.

Second, don't act "Unsure" if you're not. That's not to say you cannot be kind and careful if you're actually a "No", but acting "Unsure" is much more cruel than making the rejection official. And acting "Unsure" when you're actually a "Yes" is close to the definition of cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

Third, it's okay to try and convince someone of your awesomeness when you are a "Yes" and they are a "Maybe". This doesn't make you a douche! As long as the moment they turn into a "No" you're ready to let go.

And finally, if you're "Unsure" but (occasionally) leaning "Yes", and the object of your desire appears to be an "Unsure", round yourself up to a "Yes" already! In the process of trying to convince them, your own uncertainty may resolve itself completely.

More than Two

I don't think I could make a 3-dimensional grid that'd do more than add confusion.

But I really don't need to; every member of an existing relationship can make up their own mind about a new potential love-interest. From there on in, it's all just down to the rules of the existing relationship whether there needs to be agreement, or whether additional individual relationships are allowed.

The only interesting side-note is that in a poly relationship opinions can sway or vary. Some may decide to revise their "Unsure" to the "Yes" or "No" of their partner, in exchange for a similar concession when the roles are reversed.

I'd still urge in all cases to avoid revising your opinion towards "Unsure" whenever possible. It's okay to disagree with your partner(s) as long as you don't act outside whatever the rules of your relationship are.

Arthur