Saturday, April 30, 2011


From time to time, someone peripheral finds out about our deal... and I've heard re-tell the comment "He's a very lucky man" a few times now. It makes me grin, slightly bashfully. But it also makes me slightly uneasy, and makes me wish I had been there to say something (if I would dare).

There is very little "Luck" of any kind involved. It takes care, dedication and a lot of work. It takes an open mind, lots of communication, painful and otherwise. And on the other side of that equation there are threesomes, girlfriends and all kinds of other awesomeness.

Calling it luck really demeans the effort involved.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

On Safer Sex and STIs; Musings on The Swingset

Earlier this week I was asked about my opinions on Ep 35 of the Life on the Swingset podcast, dealing with safer sex in the context of swinging and polyamory. I admit, I had not actually listened to it yet. Then when I did listen to it, my thoughts turned out to be too complex to fit into Tweet-sized snippets. The following is my attempt to capture my opinion on the episode and my thoughts on acceptable risk in the context of STIs.

Facts First

The Swingset podcast episode handily provided a link to some CDC materials on STIs, and I decided to first get all the facts straight in my mind before trying to write.

The table below classifies the various STIs according to condom effectiveness and medical treatment effectiveness (links click through to the brochures on the CDC site referenced above).

STI risk classification
partially effective
Curable Bacterial Vaginosis
Manageable HIV Herpes

Condom effective
When condoms are correctly and consistently used, protection against the infections in this column is very close to 100%.
Condom partially effective
When condoms are correctly and consistently used, risk of the infections in this column is greatly reduced. However, all infections in this column can also spread through physical contact with affected areas other than the penis or vagina. These areas do not always show visible symptoms whilst they are infectious.
The infections in this row all have treatments that can cure them outright. Keep in mind though that until the cure is confirmed you can still be infectious, even if the symptoms have gone away.
The infections in this row have treatments that can manage either the infection itself, or at least its symptoms, but none of them can (currently) be cured. HPV is an odd-one-out here in that although there is no cure, in many cases the immune system will eventually clear it on its own.

There are a few side-notes that need to be added to this grid:
  • Almost all of these infections can frequently occur with very few or no visible symptoms. The only way to reliably detect them is to get tested for STIs.
  • All of these infections will to some extent increase your risk of catching HIV; instinctively this makes sense to me, because when your genitals are already irritated by one infection, it'll be that much easier for HIV to cross into the bloodstream.
  • Herpes needs a special mention in that it is quite common and incurable. As the CDC says thought "Genital Herpes does not usually cause serious health problems"... more on that later.

General Recommendations

A few observations based on the facts alone:
  • HIV is obviously the big target here... the big bogeyman of STIs. However, condoms are very effective, and as a happy side-effect their correct use* also dramatically reduces the risk of all other STIs.
  • The whole top-left box is of least concern; condom use should prevent these, but even when infected they are all curable outright**. Getting STI tests regularly*** is all you need to do to catch them before they do any real damage****.
  • Syphilis, although not common, would be the main reason I personally recommend always getting a blood-test as part of STI testing. Although the initial symptoms (if present) are hard to miss, in the latent stage they disappear and may lead a carrier to believe it has cleared.
  • And then there are Herpes and HPV... I feel some may get a little fatalistic about these because even when you use condoms you can still catch them, yet they cannot be cured outright. I think though that doing your best to avoid getting them is your first-best defense against getting any of the other STIs. Just keep in mind that if you lose this particular fight, it needn't be the end of the world.

* - Putting on a condom is not that hard, but please, let's all be careful of what fluids we may have on our hands as well. As the giver, getting something on the outside of your condom might not be a big deal, but we're also all responsible for protecting the health of the receiver!

** - I have read there might be signs of untreatable strains of Gonorrhea on the horizon. I have no idea how solid the science behind it is.

*** - My personal goal is every six months, but I'd say annually is the least any responsible non-monogamist should strive for. Just do yourself a favour; the test is really not a big deal, and most doctors won't give it a second thought if you ask for one. They are taught the facts, and they swear an oath.

**** - Yes, the curable STIs can do real damage. Undoubtedly all our readers already know that, but just for the record; infertility, blindness, brain damage, even death (if this sounds overblown, go read up on Syphilis, then go get an STI test for yourself for good measure).

The Podcast

The gist of this episode is that it is important to know the facts about STIs, and then to evaluate within the context of your own relationship what level of risk you deem acceptable.

On the whole, there is a lot in this episode that I readily agree with. Shira is perhaps a little more careful orally than we are. Cooper, bless his hypochondriac heart, makes some great points about being careful. Rick brings a lot of good factual information to the table. And Dylan overall seems very level-headed about risk-assessment (although I will never look at shrink-wrap and hair-dryers quite the same way).

But nothing in the episode dramatically changed my own thinking (more on that later).

There were however a few points in the episode where I thought the arguments put forward fell a little short... this is no criticism... they were live, I have all the time in the world to carefully write this all out. It is unfair to compare their awesome verbal effort with my tap-tap-tapping here.

[around 09:00] - Rick makes a good point about attitudes swinging back-and-forth between fear and knowledge; his flu-analogy however makes me a little uncomfortable. You don't usually catch the flu because of something you did with intent, it just happens. STIs are in most cases the result of intentionally deciding to have sex with someone. I don't think a weak analogy does his otherwise great point justice.

[around 11:00] - Shira rightfully pulls Rick up on mis-attributing a HPV stat between prevalence and infection rate. But then suggests that since HPV clears on its own, maybe the statistics are blown out of proportion a bit. My instinct would be that an infection that passes by itself without getting noticed is more likely to result in under-reporting.

[around 18:00] - I love Coopers point about being hyper-aware being a good thing. Rick takes issue with this, characterizing it somewhat as irrational fear, but I think he missed the implicit point; you don't need to be afraid to be hyper-aware. The last few years I have become very aware of my body but rather than becoming afraid it gives me a chance to notice, analyse and then dismiss or get treated, whichever is appropriate. I miss fewer things these days, and that's a good-thing-tm. I do get Ricks point that needless fear can compromise health in its own right though.

[around 30:00] - Cooper points out you can ultimately never be entirely certain. Partners might not be truthful. Tests cannot detect STIs that haven't passed their window period yet (about 3 months for HIV). And even if you don't catch anything from an encounter, that may just mean you got lucky.

He then explains how he tries to take time to get to know potential partners first; find out how promiscuous they might be, what kind of encounters they have, etcetera. He suggests that this might just be giving him a false sense of security though, but I am not so sure.

When you talk, face-to-face, there are many clues (subtle and otherwise) that can give you a feel for how truthful and trustworthy a person is. Sure, there are some people that can fake it, and there are some that cannot detect these signs. But all-in-all, most people have a pretty decent bullshit-radar and an inability to completely hide signs of what is really going on in their heads. Nothing is ever 100%, but by dismissing the value of taking the time to get a feel for someone in person he is really selling himself short.

[around 35:00] - This is also where Dylan makes a point about anonymous sex that really resonates with me (and props for referring to the "Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory").

I am not going to claim specific percentages that I cannot back up with facts, but the fact remains that anonymity can bring out the worst in some percentage of people. Moreover, venues where anonymity is an option tend to attract those that would abuse the privilege. Additionally, if anonymous people were to come into the picture that takes away a very fundamental part of my ability to do a realistic risk-assessment.

I get the point Rick makes about anonymous people not being the problem; risk is always about insufficiently protected sex. But even then, the risk is naturally higher by some unquantifiable amount when you add random anonymous people into the equation. And in-line with the theme of the episode that may be an acceptable risk for some, but it is a risk to be seriously considered nonetheless.

[around 43:00] - A small nitpick, but when Cooper voices his wish for more accurate statistics, I was wondering if he got too bored to read through the CDC website, because they have pretty detailed statistics broken down by age bracket (just add "And By: Age" before hitting "Send"). This not only happens to confirm his suspicions by proxy (younger age brackets have much higher incidences of common STIs), but also gives him the older age brackets in a neat table to derive his own "real statistics" from.

[around 48:00] - Here Rick leads into a very relevant discussion about differences in risk-assessment between partners. And I must honestly admit that I am guilty of not having given this the amount of consideration it deserves. I have been implicitly running off an "STIs are bad, 'mmmmkay?" mentality, but I really should compare notes with Anna and Delilah so that I make sure I'm fully aware of their own personal assessment of acceptable risk.

[around 52:00] - Shira goes into a discussion of her managing risk within a fluid-bonded group. She makes good points about closed groups reducing risk after everyone gets tested, and then how to deal with informing the group of additions of new partners, and how to stay safe until everyone is sufficiently tested again.

Rick brought up closed groups earlier in the episode as well, and made the valid comment that you obviously need to put trust in your closed group and that everyone will have to play by the rules for it to be safe. My intuition whispers to me that when you find yourself in a closed group, you are probably already dealing with people that you trust quite intimately and communicate openly with. So my gut-feel is that this is probably inherently a much safer environment in most cases.

Still, as Cooper would probably agree; eternal vigilance is the price of pussy (to paraphrase Jefferson).

Our Situation

And then there is us.

I think personally I fit somewhere in-line with a mix of Cooper and Dylan (minus the shrink-wrap fetish, thanks). I am not particularly afraid of STIs, but I do pay close attention to what risks I expose myself to directly, and indirectly through others.

As I already hinted at, anonymous sex just isn't for me. It may be hot, but in my opinion not in any way significantly hotter than the non-anonymous kind; there are many other ways to spice things up that do not require me to give up the ability to fully assess the risks I am taking.

And I don't judge those that decide differently regarding anonymous partners; acceptable risk is a personal choice. But I hope that it is also understandable why someone that makes that choice could factor slightly differently into my own personal risk assessment.

In addition to that, there is another very important factor that I have to take into account, and that is Anna. My wonderful Anna had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when I first met her, and recently had a fairly severe relapse caused by a bout of Shingles.

Those with some medical knowledge can guess where this is heading; since Shingles is a non-genital version of Herpes, the CDC assessment that "Genital Herpes does not usually cause serious health problems", although accurate, has a very different emphasis to us.

Where for most people Genital Herpes may at worst be a life-long inconvenience with symptoms that can be alleviated with drugs, for Anna the worst-case-scenario involves "counting spoons", being permanently bedridden, needing constant care to function, and severe depression or worse. It could affect not just her, and not even just me, but everyone around her. So, the right-bottom quadrant of my table at the top of this post has a very different significance to us than it will for most of our readers.

Does this mean we are absolutely terrified of sex now? No, of course not. Our standards for acceptable risk will however probably seem a bit quaint to some of you out there, but so-be-it.

And as much as acceptable risk will never include anonymous partners for us, the jury might still be out on group sex and orgies; the Sex-is-Fun crowd seem to have developed a formula involving invitations to a selected audience that are known quantities to them. That may be close enough to a closed group to count as acceptable risk to us, but we'll see how that develops.

Footnote on STI testing

I understand why some might have skepticism towards the value of asking after STI test results, especially since the test you take today can at best tell you your status of months prior. But even if the status may not be completely up-to-date, it still puts a limit on your risk.

Someone that never gets tested carries with them a lifetime of potential HIV infections. Someone that tests every six months carries at most nine months of potential HIV infections with them. Tell me honestly, which of those two would you feel safer with?

The act of regular testing does not give absolute certainty unless you abstain from sex well beforehand. But it does reduce the amount of potential risk you pose to others, or they to you. And that isn't even counting the value of catching an infection early and containing it before it spreads too far.

Had you considered all this too?

PS: Before Blogger stuffed up earlier this week I had added some further details on Hepatitis to the charts based on comments below. But in retrospect I will let the post stand as-is; read the comments, follow some links... I especially recommend Arabella's post regarding HPV and her own very personal perspective.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Wanton Wednesday - Annabelle Goes Red

Honestly, I don't remember what I did to deserve this. I have a vague recollection of trying to char grill myself on top of the heater and being told off for turning the wrong shade of red, then all of a sudden I'm having my ass spanked to a lovely red warm glow. I was *cough* radiant.

That there, that isn't Arthur's hand. Just so you know.

e[lust] edition #25

Photo courtesy of Sadie

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. And in this edition you can read all about the best sexuality conference of the year (ever?), Momentum, in a one-time-only Editor's Choice anomaly: I couldn't choose just one, so I chose them all! Want to be included in e[lust] #26? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Where We Are - It was only supposed to be about the fucking. I don't know how I convinced myself that it could be. I fretted before we began, about how I could ever possibly separate sex from emotion.

The Edible Slut - His hand made an audible crack as it connected with her ass, loud in the dim bedroom. Did he really sink his hand into her hair, turn her head to face him, and shout, “Stop being such a brat!”

Beyond Bisexual - I don’t identify as bisexual, because I am interested in so many more people than just two of the variety of sexes or genders out there. Except, that is a word that a lot of people understand.

~ Feat.: Momentum Conference Posts (Lilly’s Picks) ~

An Extraordinary Gathering (and a Gathering of the Extraordinary)
Finally! A Real Momentum Post
Inspired by MomentumCon
#mcon Rehash
Momentumcon, Part One

~ e[lust] Editress ~

To Be or Not To Be....Anonymous, That Is - If you’re out or decide to be out….you’re not just outing yourself. You’re outing them all. And did they give their consent? Probably not, I’d guess. And even if they did give their consent could they even have a clue what consequences there will be?

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A Bump In The Road - A Swinger Party Goes Bad
Bridging the Gap (Between Swinging and BDSM)
Eating Pussy
Jane Says: What Does Sex Feel Like For A Man?
Let's talk about food
Safe Word
S&M And Abuse
The Rules, Revisited
The Wet Patch
Who Cares About Your Open Relationship
Where There's Smoke...

Kink & Fetish

BDSM Advice: Nipple Clamps
Communicating by touch
Consent [Violated]
getting ready...
He mixed pleasure and pain, and my body responded to it all
Safety Scissors
Topping From the Bottom: An Ode
Wantonly Restrained
You Can Make It Feel So Real

Erotic Writing

3. Wrath
Cunt Licking
Definition of Inspiration
Miss Me?
My Sex Life: The Journey Continues, Part 2
Silk Memories
Sexy Dance-Ing
teacher sweaters and the cock that haunts me
The Casino
The miseducation of Ms. Mullins
Wow. Confession #558
When I come
You Want This


Wow... we have been blogging for almost a year now. 300 posts. Averaging almost 1 post a day throughout. I have no idea how we managed it, but it feels incredibly good. And I hope the next year is going to feel at least as good, if not better.

What we'd like to do with this auspicious post however is to acknowledge all parties big and small that have had an impact on our journey so far.

Brandi has been with me through thick and thin and many a time in between so it seems only fair that she starts the post off. So many of our car trips have been spent discussing love and sex and how best to get the residue of duct tape off sensitive skin. She's helped me think more fully about my submissive side and has even taken it out for a spin once or twice. Somehow she makes everything okay. I love that we can share this blog, this part of our lives, with her so fully.

I couldn't write this post without acknowledging what the Sex is Fun podcast has done for us. Listening to Kidder Kaper, Coochie and Lorax from the start, giving us both "permission" to talk to each other about difficult topics. Rolling them around in our brains and see what it feels like to consider them.

I think it isn't an over-statement to say that our own experiment would likely never have happened if it hadn't been for Sex is Fun making it "okay". I know they don't need our support or acknowledgment, but they definitely have our eternal gratitude for making their show.

Image via Art-or-Porn

And then there is Delilah. Sweet, lovely, delicious Delilah. She's been here with us for most of the journey as well. I don't know to what we owe the luck of finding her at our crossroads, just the right person at just the right time and place.

It is still a strange feeling to have a girlfriend... strange, but wonderful. I have no idea what it means in the larger scheme, but I'm just rolling with it a day at a time. And if I have my way she'll be with us forever.

One moment I'm debating if this whole sex blogging thing is really for me and the next minute I'm squished between the gorgeous Mistress Arabella and the wall of a virtual Twitter-pub being kissed and nibbled. That sure is one way to convince someone to stick around! Her website Bombshells and Rockstars is so wonderfully warm and inviting to visit. Anyone that can combine a recipe exchange with vibrator reviews is pretty high up in my book.

The Art or Porn Tumblr feed deserves mention for the tasteful inspiration it has provided to numerous posts. And it has become a home for some of our own more worthy imagery as well. If you like some visual porn, something more filling than the usual hollow free fare on the interwebs, follow the Art or Porn twitter or go the the Art or Porn site.

Image via Art-or-Porn

Travis followed us back to our blog one day and we liked him so much we're glad he chose to stick around. He's always ready with a supportive word or a thought provoking tweet. He writes over on his own blog as well as participating in some very interesting comment threads.

We couldn't overlook Dangerous Lilly; she puts so much effort into the sex blogging community to all our benefits. She has her own blog, and her own twitter of course.

But she also runs the monthly e[lust] newsletter, where we share some of our most interesting posts. It isn't just a great place to find new material to read, but it has also been a great place to get noticed by others.

And then there is Wanton Wednesday where we try our best to leave something daring every week. We don't always succeed, but the compliments received are a great way to feel good about being sex-positive and open with each other.

Image via Art-or-Porn

And Elsa, our distant Unicorn... we almost met her when we had barely started blogging, but due to circumstance we didn't actually get to meet until earlier this year.

Her enthusiasm is infectious, and yet she's very well grounded. She's delightful to chat with online, and I often wish she lived a little closer, but I should not be greedy. Even so, she's always welcome at our door.

Rockin has been a wonderfully interesting part in our bloggy lives and an even bigger one in my journey of self-discovery. One photo of her on the Light Switch blog caused me to completely rethink the way I viewed sex toys, in particular strap-ons. She just made it look so perfectly natural and okay. The Light Switch blog is beautifully written and is one of the few that we talk about in the car on our way here and there because neither of us want to miss any of the fun!

As much as we haven't had much luck with dating sites as a source for interesting new friends and flings, there is one site that warrants mention for just being generally awesome.

Even if you aren't interested in dating sites, the OkCupid blog is a must-read for its unique approach to analysis of dating data. You'll learn all sorts of things about how to write messages to new people, how to take good pictures, and what it all means. And additional tidbits make their way onto their Twitter account as well. And although no dates have come from it, the OkCupid dating site is probably one of the least intimidating places to meet new people.

Image via Art-or-Porn

And a general thank-you to everyone else that's given us encouragement, or said hi. Every single comment and every single remark has been valued. And we hope you'll stick around with us for the next 300 to come.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Pimping Arthur

I was completely taken by surprise.
This does not happen very often.

Anna told me she had a confession to make, and it basically boiled down to "I was toying with the thought of sending you out to break this girls' dry spell". I was waiting for a punch-line that never came.

I wasn't sure what to think.

As I was driving to the gym after that, a host of competing thoughts were running through my brain.
"Neither of us really knows her very well"
"We have no idea if she's even interested"
"Wait, was Anna pimping me out there?"
"Am I supposed to feel insulted?"
"Am I supposed to feel turned-on?"
"Am I even comfortable with this idea?"

In the end I just settled for amused and bemused. Maybe a little turned-on too.

See, I don't really object to the idea as-such, but it skips past so many important intermediate steps that I think are very important. First of all, that's pushing awfully close to the edge of our comfort zone at this point in time, closer than I am prepared to go. Second and more importantly, it skips completely over our "papers please" rule, since I have no idea if she's ever had an STI test, let alone regular ones.

Still, it makes for an excellent fantasy scenario. In my imagination, Anna's been sending me on all sorts of missions to please Delilah or Elsa since then. Great times.

Annabelle Makes Cleavage

So you know when you were a teenage girl and you have little mosquito bites for breasts but all of your friends were looking more and more like women and getting more and more up top? I remember. I remember having a shower with my best friend and staring rather intently at her newly protruding chest. She had incredibly pale skin and I could see a pattern of wide blue veins that looked like a big shining sun. It was pretty amazing. I remember thinking that she was only a few months older than me, and that if I just waited a few more months I would have glorious new breasts too!

I waited.

I'm still waiting.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Hot on the Web - Singles

It's been a long time since I've done one of these, and not for lack of worthy material. So, let's do a slightly odd one!

Image via Art-or-Porn

So, no outright nudity, or even real people for that matter. And yet there is something immensely alluring about this image. And no, it's not the incredibly large round breasts on all of them either... nor the animals (you sicko!)

I think it's something about the "one-of-each" aspect. Black, red and blonde. Faux-innocent, cheerleader-ish, man-eater. I'm not sure.

Or maybe it's the analysis I recently read about Little Red Riding Hood that cast the story in a much less innocent light. Apparently the origin of that story has much more erotic undertones than the modern version does.

Anyway... I can but hope for next Halloween to look somewhat like that. *cheeky grin*

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Of Unicorns and Minotaurs

Of Unicorns

In the following I am sticking with our definition of the term Unicorn as a term of endearment for any female that besides being a friend may also on occasion happen to end up in our bed (or our hearts as the case may be). In doing a little research I've found some disturbing uses of the term that seem to relate to a quest for a live-in house-slave that'll do all the housework and give pleasure on demand, whilst in return being denied forming any emotional bond. I'll leave the reason why such unicorns are rare as an exercise to the reader.

Conventional wisdom says Unicorns are rare creatures. That's part of the reason for the term. And it makes sense, right? How many available bisexual women into threesomes do you know?

But I just don't buy it.

That logic presumes that if you were in a room full of available bisexual women with a taste for threesomes, you'd somehow be able to tell (an interesting fantasy just formed in my mind, but I digress). Few people are able to tell when they are being eyed by a girl in the first place, so I'm not sure what special sixth sense everyone is apparently endowed with regarding Unicorns.

I'm sure at this point couples that have been "trying to bag" (*shudder*) a Unicorn might object that even propositioning all the women in the room never seems to turn one up. But let's just have a think about why that might be, shall we?

How do you approach them? There is something really confrontational about proposing a threesome, and unless you are a little circumspect you may scare off a potential Unicorn. Did you wait for an appropriate point in the conversation and just put out a "we think you're awesome, so if you ever get curious..." and then leave the next step in their hands? Or did you attempt a tried-and-un-true "you're hot, we'd like to fuck you senseless, let's go to our place?"

Given the opportunity to make up her own mind a potential Unicorn will get back to you since you've already done all the scary work. Maybe first with curious questions, or maybe with something more direct. The most important thing is to leave the decisions in her hands. There is nothing like pressing on and being pushy to turn a potential "hmmm maybe" into a "yeah, no thanks" in no-seconds-flat.

And did you only talk to single women? Why can't women in relationships potentially be interested too? It is obviously much more daunting to approach someone who you know has a partner, but Unicorns aren't going to be waiting around single for that perfect couple to approach her. Especially since they clearly don't exist and hence many couples probably don't even try. And this may be a negative angle, but not all relationships last forever... befriending a non-single Unicorn now may land her in your bed at some future date when circumstances are different.

And most importantly any Unicorns that are openly out find themselves in the enviable position where they don't have to take any of the crap coming their way. Their rare-ness has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy giving them the upper hand. There are plenty of willing couples to choose from, so why should they choose you anyway?

Speaking from personal experience, there really doesn't seem to be a dearth of women that have toyed with the idea to an extent where they'd go for it if the right circumstances present themselves. Maybe the number of my female friends and acquaintances that have either tried or are willing to admit to having considered F/F dalliances is above average, but I refuse to believe that alone explains how many I know. All I can conclude is that the naysayers are just not presenting potential Unicorns with the right circumstances.

And if you ever use the term "bagging a Unicorn" then I think I know exactly where your trouble is coming from.

Of Minotaurs

Where the world treats female bisexuality as a wondrous and magical thing, the male counterpoint is apparently a continual source of fear and worry. A while back I suggested "Minotaur" for available bisexual men, and the term has kinda grown on me.

I think a lot of this attitude stems from the myth society has built up that a mans' lust cannot be contained. It has historically been up to women to temper mens' lust, by dressing appropriately, by acting appropriately, by rebuffing appropriately. And now, the more insecure and irrational among men cannot shake the thought that gay and bisexual men are mere seconds away from forcing their attention upon them. A sad side-effect of a combination of pretending men cannot control themselves, and a lack of learning how to deal with unwanted (sexual) attention since that is such a rare occurrence in most mens' lives.

And then there are STIs, some of which have unfortunately become associated with gay men more-so than straight men. I find this a difficult point to make up my own mind about, and I hope my little disease-modelling project will give me a better insight into what the real risks might be. But it is undeniable that anal sex (both heterosexual and homosexual) carries with it a higher risk. But why that should translate into gay men being more at-risk per-se is not immediately clear to me. And heck, if like me, you aren't interested in having sex with men, then any of this argument should really be irrelevant in the first place.

And maybe that's the crux of the problem. Some deep-seated fear of not being quite so straight? Of being exposed to a gay man and suddenly realising that what your life has been missing is getting fucked by a guy? I would like to write this one off as a bit or urban mythology, since if you could be swayed into sex with a guy if only there was a gay man about, then really, you're already not straight in the first place. It is a weird argument... but maybe there are a lot of Kinsey "1" or "2" men out there that really aren't all that much into men, but are afraid to admit to the curiosity?

Bisexuality Footnote

I know there are those that suggest bisexuality only exists as a transitory state between being straight and being gay. It is supposedly for those too cowardly to choose along the lines of their personal sexual identity.

I have no inside perspective on bisexuality, but I know at least three women that I can personally confirm like both men and women. I have no doubt about any of them having ongoing experiences in both camps, not because they can't make up their minds, but because they won't. The only valid choice for a lot of people is "a bit of both".

I can understand how the transitory-state myth could come into being. Lots of people change their preferences to some extent throughout their lives. Being straight today doesn't mean you couldn't be gay a year from now. Or maybe you predominantly enjoy spending time with the opposite sex now, but next year you'll mainly be into the same sex. Things change. And change means that at some point a person will cross that boundary in the middle, and for some that involves a stop-over at bisexual along the way. And maybe some cross that boundary habitually. And from the outside that might make bisexuality look like merely a temporary stop for someone permanently changing their minds.

But then, unless you only ever fuck in three-way positions, most sex will be a string of acts that individually are either gay or straight. By that reckoning you could say that Anna has changed from straight to gay and back again a half a dozen times a night on many-an-occasion.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Sweet Fucking Agony

I remember this feeling. It has been a long long time, but I remember this feeling and I do not want it to go away ever again.

It remembers, I know it does. I can feel my body twitching and straining, trying to find some sort of release. My head is swimming and I'm positively giddy. Each word, each new little tease, just adds to the sweet frustration of it all.

Tease me.

Taunt me.

Tell me all the things that you want to do with me, every little detail, and then make me wait. I'm impatient. My body is impatient. It wants everything right now. If you cannot provide it is going to go without you.

I'd forgotten how to get here, how to let the impossibly slow tease take me to this place. How did that happen? Why would I let go of something that makes my body move like it does?

I am not a visual person. I'm not. I love sounds. I love smells. I love words. Words are my weakness. It takes a lot of teasing, a lot of suggestion, and a certain finesse, but words will do it for me. It is such a heady cocktail, this longing for what I cannot have right now, these suggestions, these words. I have been sitting on the brink for hours now. I can feel my body craving - little pulses, back arching unbidden - but now is not the time to give in.

Don't touch.

Don't concentrate too hard.

Don't hold on so tight that the sensation is strangled. My mind drifts and the words flow over me like warm honey. I can almost taste her now, her scent is filling my head and my mind is atumble with snippets of fantasy that play over and over and over again. I can feel her move with me, pull against me, feel her losing her senses and melting in my hands.

Her wrists in my hands.

My breath on her throat.

Our bodies woven together in such a way that even the slightest movement is electric.

I will have her, but not just yet. Not now. For now I have such teasing, tantalising words and a body with a will of its own. For now, what I have is this exquisite torture.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Once in a Blue Moon

I am not sure I exactly understand why they did it, but they were both beaming at me as they explained. How could I possibly ask any questions when faced with two gorgeous smiles like that?

Curse me!

This weekend saw the culmination of their plan... in both Anna and Delilah being out-of-commission simultaneously so to speak. See, what they decided to do was synchronise their pill intake. I'm sure there must be some upside that is escaping me, but this weekend they were both apologising together for being emotional at the same time. And none for me! (Or them either I suppose)

So, this weekend there hasn't been a whole lot of sexy about, but there have been hugs and cuddles aplenty. And I've been making some progress on other chores and tasks that had been piling up, so that's a good thing.

Still... the other thing is more fun! *pout*

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wanton Wednesday - Making Me Wet

"Hey Arthur, go have a shower, I want sexy boy photos on the blog this week."
"Okay, how do you want me?"
"Um, move a little that way so the water runs down your shoulder"

I am not sure it is possible to drown in shower spatter, but I was well into uncomfortably moist territory. I've never been to Niagara Falls but, judging by the bathroom floor, my pants, and my poor bespeckled camera, this must have been pretty much on par with that.

Worth it though. :) Not only did I get Arthur ogling time, I get to share sexy shoulders with you all!

Now you go share the love with the rest of the wanton crew.

Monday, April 4, 2011

CityKat - Three's Company

I only recently discovered CityKat; a blog/column on the Sydney Morning Herald webpage. I have been very pleasantly surprised by the authors' attitude on the whole... but then... there are the comments.

What specifically got me going was a topic near and dear to my bed: threesomes. The fact there are 69 comments as I write this makes me weirdly happy. And the quality of the comments is actually overall not too bad.

Kat herself starts from a reader email, goes through admitting rosy fantasies earlier during her development, and finally admits not completely having given up on the fascination with the fantasy. Brave start. Over to the comments.

I think the anxious build up, fleetingly short good moments and the awkward conversations afterwards would make it all seem like a bit of an anticlimax.
Ive never tried one.
If there are awkward conversations afterwards then I personally think there wasn't enough preparation up-front. If you do it right, by the time you're all in bed together you're on the same wavelength and all really really want it... and then it's just an awesome experience. I find it funny how this guy feels the need to leave an authoritative sounding comment based on "0" actual personal experience.

For me, yeah, it seems threesomes seem mainly to exist for bragging rights (low self esteem) or for bisexual experimentation without admitting to any of "those kinds of feelings" (insecure about their sexuality).
I'm sure there are people having them just for bragging rights... just like there are guys bragging about sleeping with a different girl every night... or girlfriends bragging to each other how kinky their last encounter was. And I'm sure some of it is for experimentation, and so what? I take more exception to the quote-marked "those kinds of feelings" ... the author himself sounds like he's not entirely comfortable with the topic.

I'd love to go 3some but only in FFM situation - there is no way i'm poking someone else's porridge. Why? Because one is awesome, imagine what 2 would be like!
I have no problem with the part where he only wants FFM... that's a fair enough personal choice. But my god... what does the rest of that fragment even mean exactly? Actually, I'm sure I don't want to know.

My girl is my girl until such time as she decides otherwise. If anyone else wants to get involved (M or F) then they are going to have to win her away, after which point I don't want her back.
As much as it is valid to not be interested... this comment just plain gave me the creeps. For some reason this guy just sounds like he has no feelings for his partners at all. So callously discarded "after which point I don't want her back".

But on the other hand there were some awesome comments by people with actual experiences; some ongoing enthusiasts, and some one-time-attempts without regrets.

Had one... FFM 3some, I was 18. Was pretty much just an experiment, and I was the third party. It's not something I would actively persue, but for what it was, it was fun!
Not everyone gets hooked on them, but it's nice to be able to admit that you had one and feel no shame or regret about it.

What a bunch of conservatives, it's just sex! I swear to god that Australia is the most conservative western country in the world, lets just call it saudi australia.
All this moralising about what deep down everyone want to do, yes everybody likes sex, just relax and enjoy yr life, forget about what yr friends will think.
Why does it have to involve a deep psychological examination?
Just pretend yr a bonobo (our closest relatives), and go with yr desires. Yr desires and fantasies are not wrong or evil or anything of the sort.
A bit crude... and overly dramatic (I wouldn't call Australia the most conservative western country in the world by a long stretch), but his heart is in the right place. I wish he'd polished his comment a bit better, because there's a gem in there somewhere.

Have I? In short, yes! A few times now, mainly FFM. All with my fiance, some with friends, some strangers. Most were positive situations, most with some alcohol added, some spontaneous, some planned, none were truly negative, some just better than others, for different reasons.

I have always been curious about women, thankfully I have had the opportunity to explore in a safe environment. My man loves it, it's a treat for both of us. It's not a regular thing, we haven't engaged anyone else for 3-4 yrs, our last "regular" friend has moved and it's hard to find someone who I like. He's not fussy and we have similar taste when it comes to physical attraction, however I need to "like" the girl to completely enjoy the experience. Feeling I can trust their motives also is important. I trust my man implicitly, a bunny boiler I don't need!

For me, it's not just great sex, that's the bonus, but I also like the close bond I can form with someone who becomes so close to me/us.

I guess now I am bi sexual. As a bi sexual about to get married to a man, I will still seek a threesome to satisfy that part of me that he cannot address. I love that he is comfortable enough to let me, he loves that I love him, and women.

Happy wife, happy life! I love my life :)
And that's my personal favourite, since it fits fairly closely to our own experiences.

What also shone through for me is that the biggest divide is still between the people that have tried it and those that haven't. For the most part those that haven't assume it inevitably will cause disasters or stems from impure motivations. Those that have may not have an active desire for more, but generally admit that there was something exciting about it; apart from one or two that only had a single bad experience.

I think it's inherently very hard to bridge that gap. Once you've had a fun experience like it, it's hard to imagine why those that haven't are so afraid of it. It's that thin line between the fearful and disastrous unknown, and the everyday happy reality of things that you carefully negotiate with your partner.

I'm not sure there's an actual lesson in here. I wish there were... it'd make for a very strong ending that I'm now lacking.

All I've got is Sex Is Fun! (best tagline ever)

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where We Are

We had rules.

When you first start out in the big scary realm of openness, they tell you that you need to have rules. Unbreakables. They tell you that you need to stick to these rules, that even the mere thought of breaking one will mean doom and destruction for all involved.

In hindsight, our rules really showed our naivety. They were a conglomeration of things that we'd seen or heard about that made us, me in particular, feel safer about embarking on this journey together. It is hard to let go of everything all at once, and somehow these trinkets of monogamy made it that little bit easier to make that leap. If I just held on to those I could always go back if it all got too scary. They gave me something that I could keep just for Arthur and me, and that seemed important.

Two of our rules were blasted to hell pretty damn fast. It is amazing how a good dose of lust and trust can shake some sense into a nervous nelly like me. There was the newbie standard of no kissing (Pretty Woman Rule) and the rule where unicorns were not allowed to share our bed (Blanket Burning Rule). Sex without kissing is really quite awkward, and really, kicking someone out of your bed after you've just fucked them - rude much?! Only two rules remained standing, safety first (Don't Knock Her Up Rule) and no intimate emotional relationships (Run For The Hills Rule). Sensible, right? I mean, this is all about the fucking, the hotness, the passionate writhing bodies in the wee hours of the morning.

It was only supposed to be about the fucking. I don't know how I convinced myself that it could be. I fretted before we began, about how I could ever possibly separate sex from emotion. I mean, surely they are two separate things but I was not convinced that, in a daze of post-sex euphoria, I could keep the two from becoming tangled up. Somehow I decided that I could. Somehow I convinced myself that if anyone was going to develop a deeper attachment to another woman, it'd be Arthur.

Well, he did. And so did I.

Arthur said it first. A few months back he drafted a post about labels and, tucked away amongst a small army of examples, there it was. I suppose I should have been hurt or angry that it found its way into the blog post before it found its way into one of our late night conversations, but I wasn't. I was happy that it was stated so matter-of-factly. It just was. The writing flowed so beautifully that I was upset with myself for asking him to change it, but I wasn't ready to say it yet. Not out loud. Not to the world. Not to her.

I don't think I was quite ready to say it when I finally did. I was embarrassed, I was shy, and I was terrified that she would pick up her bag and go home because it was just all too much. Too much responsibility, too much effort, too much pressure. I said it anyway because she needed to hear it and I desperately needed her to know.

We love you.

And she stayed. And she said it back. And there it sat. Everybody knew it, but nobody was quite willing to touch it. It was just sitting, chilling, soaking in. In your ordinary boy-meets-girl type of relationships, those three words are hard enough for people to wrap their heads around. In our case... well fuck. What does this mean? Are we now in the realm of polyamory? What does this make me? What does it mean for us? What do we call her?

I thought long and hard and could not come up with an answer, so I asked Arthur. He usually knows more than me. I probably don't sing his praises highly enough here, but Arthur is an amazing person. He squeezed my hand and said kind things. He told me it was all okay. He let me feel however I was feeling without it being some guilt-riddled muddled up mess. It was Okay. I was Okay.

Talking to Delilah was not as easy. It took me over a week to build up the courage to say anything to her. She could leave. She could hide. She could make it Not Okay. Every possible scenario was racing through my mind as I asked her the question that had been on my mind for weeks.

Are you our girlfriend?

One year ago I was an ordinary housewife with some fantasies. I thought it might be interesting to kiss a girl or two, but everything else was a bit too big and scary to even consider. I was starting to get comfortable thinking of myself as bisexual. I was ever-so-slowly becoming less worried about Arthur looking at other real life women.

Today I am bigger than I was. I am a housewife who shares fantasies, even the dodgy ones that'll never happen in a million years. I've kissed a girl or two, and then some. I'm bisexual, non-monogamous, voyeuristic, and possibly an itty bit more dominant than I thought. I enjoy watching Arthur's gaze jumping from woman to woman and seeing the little cogs turning in his mind as he considers the possibilities. I love who we have become and what we have together.

We have a girlfriend.