Thursday, March 31, 2011

Sex Math

If the title led you to imagine that there might be some hot +1 action, or multiplication of pleasure, or even just two-some, three-some, four-some, more-some... you're a little out of luck. I am actually contemplating doing some mathematical modeling to get my head around risk profiles. I have some intuitive idea of what I think is true, but I have no facts to back it up, and this irks me, so I plan to try and work it all out semi-scientifically.

To this end... I would greatly appreciate input and comments with regards to any sex-related statistics anyone out there can get their hands on. Specific examples would be: stats on percentages of straight/gay/bi people across genders, STI infection rates, monogamy/non-monogamy stats if they even exist, relationship duration stats... basically anything statistical that may even remotely have an impact on sex-lives.

I intend to do update posts along the way as I figure out some intermediate results, and as I evolve the sophistication of the model. Also, I will try and keep tabs on the sources of the information that goes into the modelling... for the sake of credit and credibility.

Interested in helping me out? Please leave a comment with anything you know! Facts! Figures! Studies! Anything...

Wanton Wednesday - Snail Trail

So you were going to get something delicious and provocative. I had it all planned out - the props, the look, the post-processing and even the playfully seductive language.

And then it rained.

You know what is awesome? Gadding about in the backyard, topless, after the rain. I flitted this way and that, standing on retaining walls, hugging spider-infected trees, tromping over the wet grass. Bliss. Ideas for poses were coming thick and fast, I wasn't even bothering to check the results of each photo before moving on to taking the next. Then it hit me, a brilliant idea!

The sad part was that I did not think to set up any sort of ground rules with my co-star* before we started. When it came time for him to cruise along my midline towards my belly button, he refused. When I ever-so-politely asked him to hop off me and get on with his travels, he was not having a bar of it. This guy was absolutely determined that my nipple was the place to be.


Never work with molluscs. They are an absolute nightmare. Brandi says they bite too. Who else knew this?? I let him crawl around on me, he could have chewed my entire boob off! I'm not sure I believe her...

Why not go and check out the rest of the wanton participants this round. I'm not the only one who is wet. ;)


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What I Like

There are obviously already posts on here that document some of my turn-ons and kinks, visually or otherwise. Anna however has been asking me what kind of porn I like.

Now, I must admit that I do not habitually watch a lot of porn, and typically only the fragments that are freely available on the web. Nothing too great really when push comes to shove. But I decided that both for Anna and anyone else remotely interested I'd dive a little into my guilty pleasures. (Warning, lots of links... some lead to very explicit material, some of the examples aren't as good as I'd like, but I take what I can get)



I don't really have a narrowly defined "type"; give me blond hair, brown hair, black hair, red hair, even blue, pink, purple or green hair. I have a preference for light coloured eyes especially vibrant colours (green, oh my!), but that's not to say I'd reject anyone for having brown eyes (far from it... mellow brown with sparkly blonde, yum!) I like caucasian, indian, asian, african, brazillian, scandinavian, you name it. Clearly none of this limits my choice in erotic materials very much.

So, what does specifically get me going?

Accents I think do the job for everyone to some extent... and I am no exception. A Canadian accent sounds so cute, and Scandinavian accents sound like sparkling rivers splashing off pebbles. I'm not yet aware of others that specifically pack a punch for me.

Body-shape wise I am not too picky; as much as I like slim bodies, athletic bodies and flexible bodies as much as the next guy, I don't mind a bit more curvy either. But as much as this is going to make me sound shallow, overweight just doesn't do it for me. I can appreciate artistic nudes of pretty much any body-shape, there are limits to what arouses me. I make no apologies here.

I'm not one to be overly interested in elegant evening-wear with high heels. Certain dresses can turn me on, clothing that is a little revealing, skimpy clothing that barely hides. But also, a sporty outfit, or even something just comfortable like an oversized sweater with nothing else underneath for example ;) ... And then there is body-art... piercings are nice, albeit sometimes a little awkward. Tattoos are a turn-on too, but I cannot quite classify which ones... serious ones, cutesy ones, it depends a bit on context. And as much as I hate to admit it, a trashy tramp-stamp to go with doggy-style has a certain appeal too.

Personality-wise, just about anything is fun in a variety of ways. A little nerdy, a little punk, a little angelic, a little cheeky, a little kinky, a little experimental, a little energizer-bunny. Or possibly even that extremely hot stranger for a one-night-stand that you barely even know.

Now to home in a bit more on the porn aspects of this discussion... ropes and/or chains and/or leashes have a strong allure, but as of yet I am hopelessly out of my depth there. Being dominant and in control are turning out to be more appealing than I would have guessed; this kinda goes with the ropes and chains in a sense.

Inside locations do not hold specific sway as long as they aren't too routine. Outside is a different matter... for some reason beaches appeal, and the idea of a park at night, and a barely-out-of-sight alleyway. I once had sex on a little island in a lake, I'm not sure if this is the origin of all that, or if it was just acting out a pre-existing fantasy.

A lot of porn-scenes are effective because it's just so easy to imagine yourself in the scene. The idea of getting surprised in the morning appeals a great deal. Unfortunately I'm usually the first one awake. Girl-on-girl scenes continue to be an immense turn-on; I just can't get enough of watching girls play. Frat party videos also appeal, maybe somewhat to an exhibitionistic nature? And there's always going-through-all-possible-positions-without-leaving-the-room.

First and foremost I think it is about porn that does not look too staged. I specifically get a kick out of videos that look like the actors are actually enjoying themselves. Nothing turns me off more than videos where they are all frantically trying to look into the camera at all times.

And sometimes it's the little things, like a sensual massage that just so intimately covers a whole body, or a great threesome where everyone is involved and nobody is favoured over the others (altho this is hard to find online). Scenes where the guy switches between girls; as impractical as it is to do safely outside of porn, there is something potent in the we're-all-fluid-bonded-and-can-do-whatever-we-feel-like. And scenes where one of the girls licks the balls and shaft of the guy while he does the other girl.

Ugh... I am so not going to be able to fall asleep tonight. But it was worth gathering some of this in one place. This nowhere near captures me completely, but perhaps it's enough insight for one post.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Just an Ordinary Day

Not every week can be about sexy things I guess. This week has been filled with a lot more cozy cuddly and just generally happy things. Right now Anna is creating something crafty, and Delilah has fallen asleep on our lounge.

You see, there was voting earlier in the day, and then we just kinda relaxed on the lounge watching DVDs. And I feel kinda glowy happy about that. (And PS; if you've never seen Ace of Cakes, you should try and get your hands on the show... some of the stuff they make is amazing).

That is all. More sex next week!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wanton Wednesday - Safari

It is usually a magnet, or a spoon, or a completely non-absorbent tea towel with a very touristy print on it. This time was different. This time Clover outdid herself.

She handed Arthur a little cardboard box. I was expecting... I'm not sure, but I certainly was not expecting what came out. It rattled, it sparkled, it made Arthur rock backwards and explode with laughter.

Ignoring our somewhat-vanilla companions, I began inspecting the gift. I stretched it this way and that, making a few quick calculations in my head - but where were my manners!

"Try it on for her."

My prompt towards expected social behaviour was met with more giggles and a very firm "um, No". I held the item backwards and jiggled it in Arthur's direction, just to see if it would change his mind. No such luck.

It has taken over a week to see this little gem in action.


I've been thinking of what to call it. So far Package Pachyderm is winning, but Shlong Snuffleupagus is coming a close second.

I'd like to point out that the trunk is unfilled because there was some concern about er, constriction. The trunk is not really wide enough to accomodate Arthur (or most men, I expect) safely and comfortably. You'll just have to use your imagination :)

Why not go gack out the rest of the wanton wild animals participating this week?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

e[lust] edition #24

Photo Courtesy of Kitten's Toys

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #25? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Women, Swinging, and Seduction – From Meeting to Fucking in the Swinging Lifestyle: “My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…” announced a good friend of mine..

The Scent of a Woman (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Snatch): Years back, during a scene, I had my dominant lean in and whisper lasciviously that he could “smell my wet pussy” and I started to cry.

5 Kinky Toys from the Office Supply Store: If you’re a nerd like me, you find the idea of office supplies a little bit arousing already but Pet & I paid a recent visit with an even more focused purpose — finding the best pervertibles Staples had to offer.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Two Fantasies in One: The sexting progressed from just spanking and fingering to fingering both my holes, to slipping a butt plug in to punish me for being a naughty girl. By the time Tuesday came around we were both very horny and on edge to get together.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ethics in Blogging: Ethics don’t always equal human kindness/respect for others. You can be a snarky, grumpy shit-stirrer but still be ethical. You can be sweet as pie on the outside and be unethical.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Barriers
Being a Slut
Bush. Confession #556
Effects of Effexor
Honesty and Courtesy
#LadyPornDay
Master and Slave?
My Experiences with Porn
Question Month: #1
Thoughts on Porn by Holden
What if His Is Much Larger Than Mine? – His & Hers Perspectives on Cock Size And Swinging
Wet Pussy

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Introducing the charity spanking anthology

Kink & Fetish

A Negotiated Spanking
Cuff Me to the Bed
Don't Let Go
given
I Want In
Sexlopedia: Edge Play
Sex as a Tool
Sometimes
The cute checkout girl browsed my bare cleavage
Worth The Wait

Erotic Writing

Back to the scene of the crime
blood/lust [pt.one]
Deals
dirty me...
Hooray for Half Term
Honey, I'm Home
I Like Your Dream
Naughty Nurse Night At The Swingers Club
On Eating Pussy
Our Nectars
personal records
Returned
Short Dress. High Heels. Margaritas…
Sex With A Friend Part 1
Traditional Loving?
The fun of firsts
The Power of Seduction
We Begin With Talk Of Drink and Debauchery – Hazy Memories of Desire
Wet Wednesday

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Am Bigger Than I Was

I feel... bigger.

I don't mean fatter or taller or anything like that. My physical proportions are much the same as they've always been yet somehow, in some way, there is more of me than there once was.

The difference is substantial, its almost like I take up more space on the inside of myself, like a human TARDIS. Its like I am more fluid, as if I stretch in so many more directions than I did before, and without becoming any weaker with the strain.

How did I become so much more without noticing? Is this how it feels to grow as a person? Will I keep getting bigger, becoming more than I was?


I am not sure where this feeling came from or why it is here just now. I'm not even sure how to explain it in a more understandable way.

I am just bigger than I was.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Elsa Flashbacks

I have found myself faced with time-travel. My mind jumps back by over a month from time to time, to a very specific day in the recent past. Little clips run through my head, my heart-rate goes up two notches, my groin gets restless, and all kinds of chemicals start coursing through my blood-stream.

Image via Art-or-Porn

What I am seeing is Elsa, being her amazingly confident self, lying on our bed with her ass up, taunting me into action. Or her wonderful lips sucking on my thumb, promising of other places they can go. Or her intense eyes, doing geometry in her head for unspeakable reasons. And it makes my blood rush.

I wish there had been more time during her visit. There are definitely many many more things I would have dearly loved to get to... or in to, as the case may be. Hopefully we will be able to entice her for another visit sometime. Not that I think I will feel any less lustily forlorn afterward then, ... but I can dream.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Sad and Angry; Paedophile News

Some days the news just floors me. I really wish I didn't know there were at least 184 people out there that like little boys more than a little too much. I wish I didn't know there were 230 children being held and victimized. I wish I didn't know there are many more predators out there that haven't been caught yet.

But at the same time I am glad that it is still possible for law enforcement to catch a group this large. To unearth them despite there not being any easy solutions. I have no doubt it's extremely involved and hard work to catch a ring like this. And I have no doubt every single officer wished there was a magic switch we could flip to make it impossible for such people to hide themselves on the internet. But I doubt those that do the work of catching these predators have any illusions about the feasibility of such a switch.

And that kinda makes me angry again... at politicians... that keep trying to pretend that if only we filtered the internet... or forbade art exhibitions that happen to involve harmless pictures of children... or ask stupid questions at the border that many probably cannot answer honestly if they carry a laptop... that one or all of these things can somehow make it all go away.

Paedophiles are not going to be deterred by any such measures... their desire is the strongest motivation to work around any and all filtering obstacles... they do not care for artistic nudes, because it doesn't fill their need... they surely aren't going to be afraid of lying on a customs form. None of these "solutions" help any... and the task forces that hunt them full-well know this.

I imagine that every time a politician makes a stupid suggestion along those lines, somewhere some head of an enforcement unit rolls his eyes at the ceiling and sighs. And I sympathise. I wish their job was redundant,... or easier. But to pretend that all this stupid stuff helps any, seems rather disrespectful to their skill and tenacity.

Okay, that's my rant for the day. Sorry.

Wanton Wednesday - Annabelle Sleeps

I'm feeling brave. Not super dooper 100% visible and unclad brave, just... well I'm moving to Wednesdays. Wanton Wednesdays.

Arthur took this picture while I slept. He does that sometimes. It makes me happy to know he thinks I'm worth photographing even when I'm doing something as dull and ordinary as sleeping.




Why not check out the rest of this week's participants?  Go on, treat yourself!


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Report From the Gym

I love my gym, but the regulars here will already know that. So, a quick report of the classes that I went to tonight.

Cardio class
Classes have been packed for International Fitness Week (go, check it out! you can get free passes for the week!), and this one was no exception. At 20 people (18 girls) it was pretty full. Two hot students right in front of me to distract me, the regular Indian girl (wedding ring, drats!), and Tall Red was back! Apparently she's been overseas on a holiday.

It was a pretty tough class. The instructor is prone to mixing it up a bit, and his ability far outstrips the class which causes some problems in the later half. About halfway through I start having trouble picking up on all the instructions. A slip-up here and there... but feels good coming out the other end.

Mind / Body class
A normal crowd at about 16... more mixed attendance here; older men and women seem to enjoy these classes, and some students (late teens, early 20s). Doing this right after a cardio class is a bit ambitious, and my legs are typically very very sore after.

And the instructor is very attractive and flexible so she is extra motivating herself. The way she teaches the class still makes me wonder if she's prone to domming. Her tone just... has that cast about it.

I wish I could write this all better... right after 2 hours of straining it's a bit of a stretch.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hot on the Web - Seduction Fantasies

I was hunting for a picture that spoke to me, and something strange happened. They started talking to me. Telling me stories of seduction. Whispering to my libido. What else could I do but write down their stories here for you all to enjoy?

Image via Art-or-Porn

Socialising is the best part of parties. Talking to new people, laughing, having a drink. I love a good party, but sometimes it just gets to be too much. As I stray away from the noise and the lights I find myself in the study. A quiet spot. Slumped in a chair.

"Had too much?" I look up staring at her slender form and the smile on her lips. "Just a little, but some company wouldn't go astray". The smile broadens and she pulls up a chair across from me. We talk about the party, our hosts, our hobbies.

As the conversation gets comfortable, so does she. She lounges in her chair. Her legs rub slowly against each other. She draws my eyes to the edge of her dress with her hands. Carelessly dragging up the hem as if she doesn't notice. Her lips part a little, and her dress slides off one shoulder. Her gorgeous breast exposed. Waiting for my move.

Image via Art-or-Porn

Sometimes I'm lucky. Okay, okay... I seem to have more than my fair share of luck. But this one evening, I am really lucky. I sit behind this amazing redhead in my Yoga class. Normally, I try not to steal more than glances, but she moves so smoothly and elegantly. She catches me several times. You don't know what you're missing until you witness someone doing a tough Yoga class like their limbs are moving along railway tracks. Precise movements without hesitation, without strain, without effort.

Sweating, flushed and maybe slightly blushing at the thoughts in my head I walk out at the end of the class when a voice over my shoulder barely audibly mumbles "I might catch some steam". And then she walks past me purposefully, a small turn of her neck but then she moves on. I almost conclude I didn't just spot that, but then, she doesn't seem the type to do anything without precise purpose.

From the locker rooms I quickly change out of my clothes, wipe off most of the sweat and walk over to the sauna at the back. I step inside, and there she is... breaking all gym regulations... no towel... no clothes. Her legs casually folded near her body she leans towards me. "See anything you'd like?", a coy smile on her lips.

Image via Art-or-Porn

I love staying in hotels. A little decadent luxury away from home. Preferably, a balcony overlooking some local night spots to sit on late at night and watch the coming and going of the pretty people. It's my little bit of relaxation at the end of a tough day on a business trip.

Tonight is different though. Tonight, I walk back into the lobby and the cute blonde I have a chat to on my way in isn't there. And being a Tuesday night odds are the balcony isn't going to be very satisfying either. Resigned to my fate for the night I take the elevator up to my room.

When I walk into my room the lights are on. My first thought is the cleaners must have come through late and left it that way. But then I spot a jacket and skirt in hotel-business-grey followed by black stockings making a trail through the lounge area towards the bedroom. My feet sound loud on the tiles as I follow along, and I hear a rustle in the bedroom. I step inside, and there she is, on her tippy toes and ass up in the air, an impish smirk on her mouth as mine hangs slightly open. "Take me", and a big grin. All the invitation I need.

Friday, March 11, 2011

HNT - Arthur From Behind

"You know, Arthur, this photo isn't really of you half-naked..."
"Those shorts don't really hide much"

And fair enough too. I have to admit I am a sucker for a firm behind in blue denim. There is something about the matte rugged fabric and the way the butt rubs up against it with each step. Practical & sexy.


"OK Arthur, I'm off to do graphic things to your behind"

"You know that sounds really dirty, don't you?"

Of course I do :)


Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Want In

I want a cock.

Don't get me wrong, I am very fond of my own equipment, but recently I have felt the need for more. There are places I want to be, things I want to explore, people I want to, well, fuck.

I've never really felt this way before. I've always found the idea of strap-ons and prosthetics a bit awkward, fake. I never really understood what the giver would get out of the whole thing. Why would you want to fuck someone with a piece of plastic when you have fingers and mouths and all manner of real live body parts that could be used for giving pleasure? The concept of being so removed from a partner, separated by silicon and hardware, seemed like something for other people, not for me.

Things have changed. A few days ago I found myself weaving back and forth around the heart-shaped ass of a beautiful bound woman, almost desperate to find a way that I could get inside her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Now. I wanted to watch myself slide into her, feel her move against me, imagine myself filling her completely.

Where do these thoughts even come from? Right there, in the moment, they were so strong it was like I existed in a thick fog of desire. The only times I've felt that way before have been where I was submissive. Very submissive. I'm pretty sure that strapping on a cock and fucking someone until little beads of sweat shiver down their side, I'm pretty sure that isn't counted as being submissive. I'm not sure what that is. I'm not sure I care.

I just want it.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Simply Awesome

When we decided to forgo Mardi Grass parade the plan was to instead head home, get naked, and have some fun together. Unfortunately we all kinda crashed early instead, lead by Delilah. Actually, I lie, after we went to bed Anna stayed up because she couldn't get to sleep. She put her Skelanimal monkey in her place which briefly confused me when I woke up in the middle of the night.

After a good nights' sleep for everyone however we woke up late, very refreshed, and I think universally horny. There's nothing better in the morning than a three-way spoon with Delilah sandwiched in the middle and hips grinding away, hands straying all over, and mouths licking and nibbling exposed flesh.

I'm not sure how it started, but we ended up teasing and tantalising Delilah with talk of a rope harness criss-crossing her body with me in control. She got breathless really quickly at that, and the talk of holding onto the "reins" while riding her got me quite hot and bothered too. Not long after that I was grinding Delilah into the mattress from behind. She loves that position... but between us... I think it's awesome too. After coming quite vocally by my standards I collapsed onto her back where I was greeted by a little self-satisfied smile on her lips.

After some contented cuddling, the attention shifted to Anna... Delilah decided to reciprocate the teasing and winding-up. And I know how Anna likes to get nipped on the skin and growled at. Between the two of us (literally!) she turned into a melting little puddle in no time. When it came time for her to beg me to fuck her though I wasn't quite recovered yet. To tease me the girls went off to the other side of the bed to play together instead. (Oh noes!)

It didn't take long for Anna to take control again. Delilah got cuffed to the head of the bed with our chunky restraints. As Anna was playing with Delilahs' hips and ass she came to the conclusion she really really would like to get a strap-on harness. She seemed totally despondent at the fact she had no cock herself to fuck her with. By this point I had gotten hard again and Anna offered to swap places so Delilah could be fucked like she deserved to be... but I told her I reckoned it was her turn instead.

So, Delilah was flipped back over so that Anna could practice her oral skills while I'd take Anna from behind. The latter part of that plan worked out better than the former. Before long Anna was gasping out-of-breath and her oral skills went down the drain pretty quickly. She did end up chewing on Delilah's thighs though. Through all this Delilah looked pretty amused at the effect the sex was having on a now-squealing-Anna, and the contortions playing on my face no doubt. And briefly after, a second orgasm followed for me.

We ended up on the bed looking out the window and wondering if any passers-by might notice us three naked. Nobody came past unfortunately. But we definitely had a great start to the weekend.

And that was just the sex... we spent the rest of the day out and about enjoying each others' company. And as I am writing this, Anna and Delilah are collaborating on a ridiculously rich cake.

Weekends like this are simply awesome.

Missed Mardi Gras

We were intending to go to see the parade this Saturday on Oxford Street. Unfortunately, we didn't actually end up making it there. We're all (Anna, Delilah and I) a little sad about this fact. We had high last-minute hopes.

But alas, it was too much on less than a weeks' notice to pull together. We shall make better preparations for next year though.

And the weekend wasn't a total loss... a very good time was had by all. But more about that when I write it all up properly.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Nasal Technology (no, really!)

I cannot quite recall when I first heard it, but I can vividly recall my disbelief and amusement. It was a radio ad that I wasn't quite expecting. It started out sounding like a Viagra ad with talk of impotence and longer lasting sex... which was unexpected in itself during daytime radio... but then the punchline "Nasal Delivery Technology". My coffee almost came out of my nose, and I'm not quite sure I was believing my ears either.

That was the first I heard of AMI Nasal Spray. And after all the legal wrangling not that long ago over illegal medical claims, and unlicensed medical advice on their helpline by people that were not qualified to give it, I thought that must have been the last I would ever hear of them.

Then this mysterious envelope arrives in the mail:

At first I was wondering how someone had discovered our secret identities to send us some kind of invitation that must so clearly have been triggered by our blog. We're famous, yay! ... What Anna reveals however is not what I had expected:

Wait... what? That looks like advertising to me. And then I get this sinking feeling in my stomach that I know exactly what we've just received. A quick scan of the materials confirms it:

Same company, same claims? Well, I never really looked at the details when they were advertising before. I really didn't need their product. But since they volunteered the materials, let's have a closer look, shall we?
Now, I cannot compare, but I see that they are at least very careful these days to not claim outright this is a medical treatment, or that you will actually get to talk to a doctor. Everything is worded as a question or wrapped in conditional clauses.

And it seems they have been broadening their horizons... because what would all those men do with their longer-lasting firmer erections, if their partners are suffering from a "lack of sexual desire"? Luckily, AMI has the answer there too:
Again, on the inside the open questions and suggestive phrases that do not actually promise anything. "Yes, you are like 4 million other women", "Technology breakthrough that has changed the sex lives of 1000s of women already". Wow, ... thousands out of millions... and their sex lives changed (does that mean it disappeared altogether? that they are attracted to the neighbors pet? can only get off when exposing themselves to the neighbors? what?)

What annoys me the most is that I'm sure there will be plenty of people that contact them assuming the weasel-words on the advertisement promise things they don't. They prey on people's desire to see the best possible outcome, even when it's just a carefully conjured ghost-image that only existed in their own minds.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Porn for Women

We all know the calendar, right? Scantily clad men vacuuming and cooking and scrubbing at bathroom floors. We all poo-pooed the idea that women find this arounding. Give us cock! Give us fucking! Give us actual porn! How demeaning is it that anyone would consider housework a turn-on for women. Pfft.

The thing is, though, I do find it rather arousing.

Not the calendar. I don't find staged pictures of airbrushed men with perfect showroom vacuum cleaners at all interesting. That is kind of like under-endowed man dolls looking very pleased with themselves for a spot of choreographed air-humping. Pointless.

No, what I like is real honest housework. I like someone who takes pride in their surroundings. I like the look of concentration & the sweet smell of perspiration after a stint of vacuuming. Mopping is less sexy, but the idea of a clean floor certainly allows for some more unusual sexy thoughts.

Even if I miss the actual cleaning process, the thought of a sparkling clean house is a wonderful thing. OK, not sexy in and of itself, but there are no distractions. No distractions means I can concentrate on whatever, or whoever, I'm doing at the time.

It makes me feel all loved and valued and whatnot, which is probably more to the point than having a grit-free floor or ceilings without great big dirty cobwebs. Housework is my version of flowers and chocolates (please note: I like flowers and chocolates too).

I feel a bit like I'm letting the rest of the female population down in saying it, but housework really does turn me on.