Thursday, July 21, 2011

Step Inside My Head

I'm not sure anyone has noticed, but I have not been writing so much lately. Arthur has noticed and has been gently encouraging me to get in here and pen a fantasy, or tell the world about coming out about our new relationship structure to my family, but I just can't seem to do it. I have post stubs and writing prompts everywhere yet for some utterly frustrating reason the final pieces just will not flow.

So this is a post about not posting, and all the rubbish and waffle that is getting in the way of blogging, fucking, loving, and being me. It will be sulky and whiny and woe-is-me, so if you are delicate today, shoo.

Time to be really honest then, I suppose. I feel like a bit of a fraud.

I think it is fair now, after a year, to call myself a sex blogger. In my mind, sex bloggers are strong people who call a cock a cock, jam all sorts of body-safe items in orifices, and generally have a lot of fun with their bodies.

I don't really like my body all that much. I know there will be people out there groaning and waggling their fists at their screens, but there you go. I don't. My weekly photos are getting harder and harder to take because it is getting harder and harder for me to see anything worth photographing. I am embarrassed by the way it moves when I walk, the way my skin stretches into dense tartan patterns on my thighs, the way I melt into a flesh puddle when I lay down. It wouldn't be so bad if my body functioned well, but it can't seem to come to the party there either. It isn't doing so bad, I suppose. It walks and talks and thinks pretty well, but I would really like just that little bit more, you know? I want less pain. I want joints that don't give out at inopportune moments. It would also be nice if my vagina did not clamp itself shut at the precise moment I want it to be available for sex. It is one hell of a headfuck to know that your body actively resists accepting cock. Or toys. Or fingers. It isn't lubrication or arousal or any of those things, it is just being goddamn stubborn.

I'm not really sure how I feel about cock these days either, just while we are on the subject. I love the thought of cock. I love the feel of soft skin and turgid flesh running under my fingers. I love that soft pop as the head bounces free of my mouth. Those things I like. I'm not sure I like images of erect penises and, I honestly cannot believe I'm writing this, I'm not sure I like sex.

A sex blogger who umms and arrs about liking sex? Seriously, what the fuck?

I can almost feel my sexy lady stock plummeting as I type. Sex is fun, right? I mean, it should be, and I know other people really like it, but I'm not sure I do. I like the closeness and the intimacy, but the actual act I could take or leave. I'm pretty convinced I'm not all that crash hot at it. I used to feel more able to get away with being hesitant & awkward because I was young, attractive, & inexperienced. Now, not so much. I get the basics - part A, slot B, in, out, etc - but beyond that I'm at a bit of a loss. I have very few notches in the bed post, so to speak, so I have no idea where I fit in the ladder of sex skills. This wouldn't bother me so much in a more traditional relationship because the only thing I'd need to think about is pleasing Arthur. Now I need to think about pleasing Arthur, pleasing Delilah, pleasing Arthur and Delilah, & generally satisfying anyone else who happens into our little playdates.

On the topic of pleasing, I don't seem to be all that forthcoming with the orgasms myself. For years I couldn't cum at all, and then I got a vibrator for my birthday and found that I could. Marvellous. What I can't seem to do is achieve this height of ecstasy with anyone else around. Well, once. Good, but not really statistically significant, so lets just say that I can't. I can't even manage by myself with a toy if there is someone in the room. It is so incredibly frustrating, and not just for me. Some days I see Arthur or Delilah try, see their faces almost begging for my body to let go and, as much as my heart almost bursts with love and admiration, I just want to run away. I want to take this misbehaving body far away so that it can't make anyone feel disappointed or sad.

I can't really run away from myself though.

So there you go. Honest. I'm a big sooky fraidycat who may or may not like sex and/or penises, has incredible difficulty orgasming and doesn't much like her body right now.

I'm not really sure what to do with all of that.


flexibeast said...

Fwiw, i feel this is a very brave post .... i'm not sure i have any useful comments to make, but i do want to say i admire your courage. :-) *offers hugs*

acquiexence said...

I'm with flexibeast ... I read this, and I just wanted to hug you. Please don't feel pressured by your 'audience'. We come here to read your posts, and Arthur's, not just because you write about sex and kinky fun things but also because you write about love and intimacy and relationships, and none of those *require* sex. Don't pigeonhole yourself into being a 'sex blogger' if you feel it comes with responsibilities you can't uphold right now, or at all.

Be yourself. That's what we love.

Less than three.

Anonymous said...

I don't comment much on what you write, but I read everything. The honestly with which the three of you write is admirable. I am a bit in awe of how you have reached out to get what you need, regardless of what society says. I feel that I know you. I am saddened by your post, but would agree with above to just be who you are and ignore those of us out here. It really isn't supposed to be a show for your "audience". I find I care enough about you to be concerned about you. Please be kind to yourself.

Anonymous said...

I may have a similar problem; I cum much better alone that with him there. You arent alone. Hang in there.

Lust and Confused said...

Thanks for all the support. Anna really appreciates it, even if she hasn't quite figured out how to say so exactly, so I wanted to thank you for these comments.

- Arthur

acquiexence said...

@Arthur: Please give her a hug from us. :)

Anonymous said...

Anna I can completely relate to your post. Especially when those sorts of feelings just make the whole "I feel horrible" mood worse. It's nice to know that all bloggers on the topic of sex aren't just nymphomaniacs. It's easy to forget that feelings come along with all that good sex you're having.

my advice is remember that you are lucky enough to have two people to care for you :) and you are beautiful even when your joints ache and you feel fat. You are in with a big group of women who can't cum and occasionally suffer from the odd technical breakdown from time to time. It happens, just don't let it stress you as that never helps.

Hugs :)

BlogLady said...

Thanks for posting just an intimate post. I often find it difficult to say all of the REALLY important things, because I want it to be perfect, which is unrealistic. I should just make my voice HEARD!

I hope you don't feel pressured into being anyone but yourself. Even sex bloggers have different umms and arrs about sex stuff! We all blog as we learn and travel down that road of sexual... enlightenment.

I hope you love yourself! :) We are all too critical about our bodies, but I am sure you are wonderful, and that your character is stunning (which is really what matters).


foreverthequeerestkids said...

Arg, I hate finding posts that resonate with me, and then realizing the person who wrote them is probably past the things written in the post.

On the off-chance this is still relevant, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. 2 years ago, my story was your story. I didn't like my body, I had just broken up with a boy whom I loved, but couldn't make sex work with, I thought the whole intimacy thing was overrated, and I couldn't even cum by myself.

My thoughts are:
1. Don't worry about pleasing Arthur and Delilah. If you're happy, they're happy. And if you're just not up to sex, tell them.

2. However, it's good to try and find "different" ways to have sex, eh? My gf is often not in the right mindset for finger-banging, but if we start with a massage, or dance a little, sometimes it changes the game.

3. And I'm all for body-love and acceptance, but if you don't like something, change it. Find an activity you really like doing that gets you active. It will lift your mood and make you feel better about your body.

Hope things are looking up!

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