Thursday, June 9, 2011

Quietly

I have been having a lot of trouble writing recently. I have had thoughts and ideas popping out of my ears, but I just can't seem to bring myself to write them down. It takes me a long time to get my rambling thoughts in any condition to be shared with the world, and it takes even longer when the subject matter is somewhat controversial.

Since becoming part of this sex blogging community I have learned many things and 'met' many beautiful people. I have learned about things that used to frighten me, things that one rarely has any exposure to in day-to-day vanilla life. I have had my mind twisted in little circles trying to grasp concepts that I just don't seem to be able to understand as fully as I'd like.

I find myself feeling compelled to take on issues that are not, strictly speaking, mine. It is expected that I have a certain viewpoint on most things, but it is expected in a way that makes me itch. It is just the same old us and them, and in some cases I'm pretty damn sure I'm a "them". I am now censoring myself in new and annoying ways. I feel that I am expected to use specific words and phrasing so as not to offend, even though the thought of doing so makes me feel like a bit of a git. I can't seem to bring up an opposing or challenging viewpoint because I'd get attacked with one of those horribly negative labels with the very sticky glue.

I am trying, I really am, but I've just never been the super-dooper ball-breaking activist type. I like to talk about stuff. I question things. I watch people interacting with other people. I try to figure out why people think the way they do, and why I think the way I do. It isn't for lack of thinking that I come up with ideas that do not necessarily gel with everyone else's. It also isn't for lack of concern or compassion, because I am fairly certain I have an overactive give-a-damn gland. Some things I am just never going to fully understand because they are things that need to be lived, to be seen from the inside. Sometimes I have thoughts and opinions on those things too, because that is important. The world is not populated by people who have experienced absolutely everything for themselves, and you know what they say about opinions...

I want to write. I want to share my thoughts. I want to ask questions and have some sort of considered and constructive dialogue with other people who have other thoughts, but this is the internet and I'm scared that if I speak, the nameless faceless masses (huh, look who's talking) are going to scream and shout and stomp their feet at me without so much as trying to see what I see. It isn't an unfounded fear. I read comments. If I had said some of what I want to say I'd be branded a slut-shaming, victim-blaming, fat-hating, transphobic, undecided, greedy piece of garbage. I'm pretty sure I'm none of those things, but the internet is loud and I am squishy.

If I thought everything I was supposed to think and did everything I was supposed to do, I'd have a husband, two kids, and be baking for the local playgroup cake stall by now. Instead I have Arthur and Delilah and I post naked-ish pictures on the internet. I think I like it better this way.

So for now I'm quiet. I'm quiet until I can wrap my thoughts in fairy floss, or until I get angry enough not to care, or until I fall into line and start thinking and acting as expected. I'm not quite sure yet which one is going to win.

3 comments:

Missy_Hexx said...

I think it all boils down to perspective. There already always going to be people who don't agree with anything. Personally I believe that everybody is entitled to their own opinion and to hell what anybody else has to say. Some people may not like half the things you say but I'm damn sure quite a lot of people (like myself) do.

Keep doing what you're doing for yourself and nobody else. In the end it's the only way you'll get through the day.

Ultrahedonist said...

My 2 cents: People do go a bit nuts on the internet and there can be a tendency to condemn people wholesale rather than simply explaining where/why you disagree. Having to censor yourself is no fun. That being said, I think it's important (good) to consider how people will react to what we say, particularly if it's something potentially hurtful, before saying it. It's also good to be open to criticism in that you think it through honestly, take on board anything you feel is justified and disregard the rest.

Lily said...

One of the things I learned from blogging was to be rigorous about two things:

1. What I knew for a fact
2. How I felt about it -- my opinion.

A lot of the trouble comes from conflating those two things. You'll find blog entries where the formula is "I know X fact and therefore all XYZ are totally icky, so there."

Those are two blog entries, not one blog entry.

It's a good exercise -- when I do it, it gives me practice in separating the real world around me -- the facts -- from my opinions about those facts.

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