Tuesday, June 7, 2011

All the Time in the World

When I was younger, before my first relationship, before even having kissed a girl, I used to daydream about what it was I thought I wanted in a girl. Someone caring, someone gorgeous, someone perfect in every single way. Such is the way of young daydreams; they focus on details that turn out to be much less important than the bigger picture.

And then there is that point at which another dimension adds itself to that daydream. Sex. And then suddenly everything gets complicated. "I have to find that special one-and-only-forever-and-ever", ... "But before I run into her, please, let there be as many hot and willing girls as possible". And I don't think that thought ever completely fades out of a persons life. It may end up suppressed for periods, or it may be shoved aside as irrelevant, or as something to be resisted at all cost.

I've heard plenty of discussions throughout my life that boil down to: "He/she is wonderful, ... but I wish there had been a few more experiences first".

I have been starting to think that this is the biggest potential danger to monogamy. If you hold to it absolutely, then that creeping desire in the back of your brain may very well spin you out of control in-between your long-term relationships to do the catching up you feel you have to get in before you end up tied down by someone you love again. And that doesn't sound like a particularly healthy sentiment, now does it?

The great thing about non-monogamy and polyamory more specifically is that you don't end up having to race that ticking clock of how-long-till-someone-snares-me. There are no absolute boundaries that you have to frantically work inside. Colour outside the lines already!

For me personally the desire for more/other experiences has never been acute and pressing, but it has been there at various times throughout my life. Like many, I've had times I have dwelled on what-ifs that never were. But I never really felt particularly constrained by them.

Now however, there is this sense of lightness in my day-to-day life that betrays a weight on my mind I never even realised was there. And its absence feels wonderful and relaxing.

As much as there are many more things I can make a reality in my sex-life now, I do not feel any rush to get them done. As much as there are attractive girls scattered throughout my daily routine, I do not feel any urgency to see where it might lead right this minute. As much as there are many many things that get me hot and bothered, I know there is plenty of time to get around to them.

I have my Anna and Delilah along for the journey, and that already makes me luckier than most. But I also do not need to work to an artificial timeline ticked off by a clock of broken relationships.

I have all the time in the world.


Laura said...

I've never wished for more experiences with more or other people. I'm divorced and would like another relationship but I don't have thoughts of finding a few more, just one. Maybe your sources of information are biased to the idea of poly relationships.

Lust and Confused said...

Thanks for the comment Laura.

I purposely very carefully avoided saying "all" or even "most". All I can say is that there have been many that I have heard espouse some variant of this. All of those were serially-monogamous at the time. Maybe they all had poly leanings, but I really have no idea how to find out for sure what is in their mind.

More importantly, I think their poly bias/leaning should probably be considered self-evident even if it is only latent. If they were completely monogamous in mind and spirit, then this thought would never occur to them, as it hadn't to you.

Maybe all this adds up to is that there is just a much larger percentage of people biased to the idea of poly relationships than anyone would suspect. Possibly even a majority, but only time will tell.

- Arthur

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