Friday, April 1, 2011

Where We Are

We had rules.

When you first start out in the big scary realm of openness, they tell you that you need to have rules. Unbreakables. They tell you that you need to stick to these rules, that even the mere thought of breaking one will mean doom and destruction for all involved.

In hindsight, our rules really showed our naivety. They were a conglomeration of things that we'd seen or heard about that made us, me in particular, feel safer about embarking on this journey together. It is hard to let go of everything all at once, and somehow these trinkets of monogamy made it that little bit easier to make that leap. If I just held on to those I could always go back if it all got too scary. They gave me something that I could keep just for Arthur and me, and that seemed important.

Two of our rules were blasted to hell pretty damn fast. It is amazing how a good dose of lust and trust can shake some sense into a nervous nelly like me. There was the newbie standard of no kissing (Pretty Woman Rule) and the rule where unicorns were not allowed to share our bed (Blanket Burning Rule). Sex without kissing is really quite awkward, and really, kicking someone out of your bed after you've just fucked them - rude much?! Only two rules remained standing, safety first (Don't Knock Her Up Rule) and no intimate emotional relationships (Run For The Hills Rule). Sensible, right? I mean, this is all about the fucking, the hotness, the passionate writhing bodies in the wee hours of the morning.

It was only supposed to be about the fucking. I don't know how I convinced myself that it could be. I fretted before we began, about how I could ever possibly separate sex from emotion. I mean, surely they are two separate things but I was not convinced that, in a daze of post-sex euphoria, I could keep the two from becoming tangled up. Somehow I decided that I could. Somehow I convinced myself that if anyone was going to develop a deeper attachment to another woman, it'd be Arthur.

Well, he did. And so did I.

Arthur said it first. A few months back he drafted a post about labels and, tucked away amongst a small army of examples, there it was. I suppose I should have been hurt or angry that it found its way into the blog post before it found its way into one of our late night conversations, but I wasn't. I was happy that it was stated so matter-of-factly. It just was. The writing flowed so beautifully that I was upset with myself for asking him to change it, but I wasn't ready to say it yet. Not out loud. Not to the world. Not to her.

I don't think I was quite ready to say it when I finally did. I was embarrassed, I was shy, and I was terrified that she would pick up her bag and go home because it was just all too much. Too much responsibility, too much effort, too much pressure. I said it anyway because she needed to hear it and I desperately needed her to know.

We love you.

And she stayed. And she said it back. And there it sat. Everybody knew it, but nobody was quite willing to touch it. It was just sitting, chilling, soaking in. In your ordinary boy-meets-girl type of relationships, those three words are hard enough for people to wrap their heads around. In our case... well fuck. What does this mean? Are we now in the realm of polyamory? What does this make me? What does it mean for us? What do we call her?

I thought long and hard and could not come up with an answer, so I asked Arthur. He usually knows more than me. I probably don't sing his praises highly enough here, but Arthur is an amazing person. He squeezed my hand and said kind things. He told me it was all okay. He let me feel however I was feeling without it being some guilt-riddled muddled up mess. It was Okay. I was Okay.

Talking to Delilah was not as easy. It took me over a week to build up the courage to say anything to her. She could leave. She could hide. She could make it Not Okay. Every possible scenario was racing through my mind as I asked her the question that had been on my mind for weeks.

Are you our girlfriend?

One year ago I was an ordinary housewife with some fantasies. I thought it might be interesting to kiss a girl or two, but everything else was a bit too big and scary to even consider. I was starting to get comfortable thinking of myself as bisexual. I was ever-so-slowly becoming less worried about Arthur looking at other real life women.

Today I am bigger than I was. I am a housewife who shares fantasies, even the dodgy ones that'll never happen in a million years. I've kissed a girl or two, and then some. I'm bisexual, non-monogamous, voyeuristic, and possibly an itty bit more dominant than I thought. I enjoy watching Arthur's gaze jumping from woman to woman and seeing the little cogs turning in his mind as he considers the possibilities. I love who we have become and what we have together.

We have a girlfriend.


Anonymous said...

This post was really sweet. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, you guys. While love is wonderful, absolutely, I hope you're doing okay adjusting to the triad life. While it's obvious you're comfortable with saying, "Delilah's our girlfriend", how does "Arthur is our boyfriend" sit? Or "Anna's our girlfriend"? As someone who's considered but actually dabbled in openness, it blows my mind to imagine my relationship with my fella in that context. Are you going to ask her to move in? Ask her to post on L&C? Tell your folks? Have kidlings? Enquiring minds! I hope you guys are all doing well, and congrats!

Lust and Confused said...

I'm not sure triad is exactly the right word, but maybe it is. Will have to think about that too now. "Anna's our girlfriend" sounds just fine to me personally.

I don't think she's moving in ;) ... but she's around fairly regularly. She doesn't really have to post on L&C... for her perspective, just jump over to and read it right there.

I cannot really answer all the questions right here, but I'd recommend keeping an eye on the blog, because they seem the kind of things we'd be blogging about if and when they happen :)

I'm sure Anna might have a response separately as well.

- Arthur

Lust and Confused said...

@anon#1 Thank you :)

@anon#2 Eeek! Those are mighty big questions for right now, you are zooming ahead faster than we are! :) They are all good questions, and even though some of them already have answers (and stories) you'll have to wait a bit til I can get a post together :)

To be honest, I think that all we are doing right now is putting a name on something that has existed for a while already. Giving a bit of weight to the relationship as it stands, and we'll all just see how we like that.

I asked Delilah what this changed, and she thought for a bit and said that it didn't change anything much at all. For now, that is where we are at :)


Arabella said...

I love you both. So happy for you (three)! XOXO

Lust and Confused said...

Thanks Arrabella :) ... you're always an inspiration.

- Arthur

Until Death do us Party said...

Hey guys!

One of our Twitter friends recommended your blog to us yesterday and we're so glad he did becasue we love it!

We especially loved this particular post and we have reposeted / linked to it from our blog (we hope that's ok and not too presumptious! lol)

The link is

We're so happy to read about another couple that has found happiness in a simialar way to us, we have a sort of girlfriend at the moment that probably like us more than we like her, but we are certainly open to the idea of finding someone speical like you have.

Mr Fun

Lust and Confused said...

Thanks for the recommendation on the blog. I appreciate the care you've taken to walk that tightrope between re-posting verbatim and truncating too harshly ;) ... I hadn't given re-posting and copyright much thought, but I have no problem with what you did.

I've just followed you as well to remind me to read a few more of your posts when I get a chance to have a proper look.

And good luck finding someone special... or multiple someones... there's really no finite supply of affection to go around.

- Arthur

Kit O'Connell said...

Thanks for sharing this. I think it's important to show how rules change, and loosen, and shift over time as people grow used to the realities of polyamory and non-monogamy. Your path sounds like it's been a good one.

Lust and Confused said...

Cheers Kit :) Sometimes it does just feel like everything has just fallen into place.

It is funny, when we first started we discussed our rules on a forum with other like-minded people. The first response was something like "Great, but just be warned that sometimes it doesn't work out as planned. The first woman we met is now a permanent part of our relationship". I remember thinking to myself that that would NEVER happen to us. I mean, we had all these rules and we weren't looking, and and and... well yeah. Don't I feel like a goose! ;)


Dangerous Lilly said...

Aww, how great for you guys! I won't lie, and you know yourselves it won't be a bed of roses. Just remember the really huge big rule.


Talk and talk some more.

And then don't forget to revel in the wonderfulness of it all :)

Molly said...

Oh wow...I love the hope in this post, and the way in which even though at times you were unsure your bravely pushed on to find out what it was you needed to know about yourself and Arthur and the relationship you have.



Lust and Confused said...

@Lilly; we're savouring every moment of it... both the talking and the not-so-talking. And we will of course be sharing every step along the way on here; it is starting to become a real story with character development and all ;)

@Molly; thanks for the compliment on both our behalf... I don't think anything ever felt as scary as we had feared up-front. Keeping the steps small and manageable definitely helps a lot. And talking... always lots of talking!

- Arthur

Joanna Cake said...

I don't think that way could ever be for me... but I love the way you wrote it!

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