So what exactly is the ettiquette for enquiring about someone's STI status? I mean, most everyone wants someone who is clean as a whistle but once most people hit their early twenties it gets harder and harder to imagine that they have not been exposed to any crotch nasties.
Until recently, Arthur and I existed in a relatively closed environment. We entered the relationship clean and it has stayed that way mostly because we only played with each other. This seemed safe. This seemed to add some extra level of security that made me feel relaxed and comfortable when it came to sex in general.
Now... now I'm gunna die! Or at least get very itchy. I just know it! *flails*
Most people think that the biggest issues with being non-monogamous are the emotional ones, and they are not wrong, but for me that is only marginally ahead of the physical. Adding one extra person seems fairly safe, but adding one extra non-monogamous* playmate can be like adding a small army of unknowns. You trust your playmate and your playmate trusts their playmates, but the longer that chain gets the higher the risk is for everyone involved. You are essentially sleeping with your playmate's playmate's playmates.
Horny people can suffer from acute cases of bad judgement from time to time, and sometimes the result is more serious than waking up without your beer goggles. One night stands, forgotten barriers, people who swear black and blue they are clean but refuse to go through the hassle/embarrassment of getting tested, people who lie about known infections because the other option is not getting laid - it all happens, and it could end up increasing the risk to Arthur and I.
Is it polite to ask for their most recent STI test results on the official clinic letterhead? I have mine. Arthur has his. We have the laboratory tick of approval. We'd show them to anyone who asked, or who even sounded like they were trying to ask but didn't quite know how. I get the feeling that suggesting that you need to see documented proof is seen as a bit offensive, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable having anyone near me that couldn't or wouldn't willingly provide it.
I suppose this is a bit of a gloomy look at things what with the availability of safer sex gear and quality STI education materal. It is just one of those things that serial monogamists only really think about once per relationship (if at all) and all of a sudden I'm having to think about it much more comprehensively and potentially much more often.
So if you want to play... can I see your papers please, ma'am? :)
Until recently, Arthur and I existed in a relatively closed environment. We entered the relationship clean and it has stayed that way mostly because we only played with each other. This seemed safe. This seemed to add some extra level of security that made me feel relaxed and comfortable when it came to sex in general.
Now... now I'm gunna die! Or at least get very itchy. I just know it! *flails*
Most people think that the biggest issues with being non-monogamous are the emotional ones, and they are not wrong, but for me that is only marginally ahead of the physical. Adding one extra person seems fairly safe, but adding one extra non-monogamous* playmate can be like adding a small army of unknowns. You trust your playmate and your playmate trusts their playmates, but the longer that chain gets the higher the risk is for everyone involved. You are essentially sleeping with your playmate's playmate's playmates.
Horny people can suffer from acute cases of bad judgement from time to time, and sometimes the result is more serious than waking up without your beer goggles. One night stands, forgotten barriers, people who swear black and blue they are clean but refuse to go through the hassle/embarrassment of getting tested, people who lie about known infections because the other option is not getting laid - it all happens, and it could end up increasing the risk to Arthur and I.
Is it polite to ask for their most recent STI test results on the official clinic letterhead? I have mine. Arthur has his. We have the laboratory tick of approval. We'd show them to anyone who asked, or who even sounded like they were trying to ask but didn't quite know how. I get the feeling that suggesting that you need to see documented proof is seen as a bit offensive, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable having anyone near me that couldn't or wouldn't willingly provide it.
I suppose this is a bit of a gloomy look at things what with the availability of safer sex gear and quality STI education materal. It is just one of those things that serial monogamists only really think about once per relationship (if at all) and all of a sudden I'm having to think about it much more comprehensively and potentially much more often.
So if you want to play... can I see your papers please, ma'am? :)
At first blush it feels awkward to ask for STI-test results. It feels confrontational. It feels like you are saying you don't trust the person you are asking.
But let's look at it from a slightly different angle. We may very well trust partner A, but our other partners B, C and D would probably not know A from a complete stranger on the street. What reason do B, C and D have to trust A?
It'd be great if our word is good enough for B, C and D... but we can only swear that we trust A, we cannot provide any evidence. If however we ask A to see the STI-test results, then we can tell B, C and D that we saw them with our own eyes, and they no longer have to trust someone they do not even know. They just need to trust me, which is a requirement already anyway.
Translating this into a way to non-confrontationally asking for STI-test results could go something like this:
Me: "Do you get regular STI tests?"
Other: "Yes" (if "No", then "You have to be this tested to get on this ride"!)
Me: "I know it's personal, but would you mind showing me?"
Other: "Why? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I do trust you, but my other partner(s) don't know you from a complete stranger, and if I want to be able to sleep with them again I have to be able to look them straight in the eye and say that I saw the results myself."
Other: "I guess."
Me: "This also means I can look you straight in the eye and truthfully say that all my other partners get tested regularly and I have seen their clean bills of health."
Other: "That's actually kinda good to know."
And everyone wins! Of course, the dialogue might not always go along those lines in which case you have to feel your way through. But ultimately, do you really want to sleep with someone that gets awkward and cagey about STI tests? It may be better to gently back out with something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I have the health of all my partners to think of. As much as I'd like to sleep with you, I'm going to have to decline."
It really isn't a lot to ask for and I'm sure anyone that takes this seriously and gets tested regularly is likely to be delighted that you asked, and knowing that you check out everyone you sleep with. Because that also will make them feel safer about sleeping with you. It cuts both ways.
But let's look at it from a slightly different angle. We may very well trust partner A, but our other partners B, C and D would probably not know A from a complete stranger on the street. What reason do B, C and D have to trust A?
It'd be great if our word is good enough for B, C and D... but we can only swear that we trust A, we cannot provide any evidence. If however we ask A to see the STI-test results, then we can tell B, C and D that we saw them with our own eyes, and they no longer have to trust someone they do not even know. They just need to trust me, which is a requirement already anyway.
Translating this into a way to non-confrontationally asking for STI-test results could go something like this:
Me: "Do you get regular STI tests?"
Other: "Yes" (if "No", then "You have to be this tested to get on this ride"!)
Me: "I know it's personal, but would you mind showing me?"
Other: "Why? Don't you trust me?"
Me: "I do trust you, but my other partner(s) don't know you from a complete stranger, and if I want to be able to sleep with them again I have to be able to look them straight in the eye and say that I saw the results myself."
Other: "I guess."
Me: "This also means I can look you straight in the eye and truthfully say that all my other partners get tested regularly and I have seen their clean bills of health."
Other: "That's actually kinda good to know."
And everyone wins! Of course, the dialogue might not always go along those lines in which case you have to feel your way through. But ultimately, do you really want to sleep with someone that gets awkward and cagey about STI tests? It may be better to gently back out with something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I have the health of all my partners to think of. As much as I'd like to sleep with you, I'm going to have to decline."
It really isn't a lot to ask for and I'm sure anyone that takes this seriously and gets tested regularly is likely to be delighted that you asked, and knowing that you check out everyone you sleep with. Because that also will make them feel safer about sleeping with you. It cuts both ways.
*and yes, I realise that can't be the right word, but you know what I mean
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This is such a delicate and complex situation to negotiate. It's easy to make a condoms only rule, but to push further than that can totally bring up all of the issues you talked about - people concerned about trust/health/scariness of doctors etc. It sucks that people, in particular Australians, are often so lax on regular testing, but really I don't think it's too much to ask someone for that extra bit of reassurance if you plan on making them a part of your sexual world. I totally appreciate that you guys have thought about this and planned out a route, clearly shows you're thinking hard about all outcomes and are concerned for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteI think it's probably so taboo, because everyone trusts the person themselves they sleep with, because you kinda have to with something that intimate. But they overlook the fact that there are other people "in the room there" with you that you have never met.
ReplyDeleteAs much as person-to-person that sheet is often not necessary, knowing that your partner is diligent about all their other partners too is I think really what this comes down to. And conversely making that same guarantee to them by your own diligence.
I'd love for society to evolve to a place where STI tests are as common as blood-pressure checks or dental check-ups. And where people take pride in having them and showing them to anyone that is interested.
...because people never avoid blood pressure checks or the dentist :P
ReplyDelete-Anna